C H A P T E R 1

What Is a Mentor?

Over the years, I have written books about basketball, about leadership, about coaching, and about my life. But this may well be my most important work. While I made my living as a coach, I have lived my life to be a mentor— and to be mentored!— constantly.

When I reflect on my life, I find that the people who stand out are the ones who challenged me with words and inspired me with actions. They taught and they showed and they modeled and they lived and they shared. This book, then, is my tribute to those men and women whose lives, philosophies, and faith all shaped my own.

Many people look at mentoring as some kind of assignment, something you sign up to do at a local school. And while that type of mentoring is important, that is only one form of it. Mentoring can be any action that inspires another; every time we watch someone and make a mental note about that individual’s character or conduct, we’re being mentored. Every time you greet the grocery store checker with a smile or pick up a piece of litter or pat someone on the back, someone may very well be watching you. It’s really about the choices we make— decisions about how we will observe the world and decisions we make about the way we will act in it. Mentoring can happen at any time or place. It is both something we receive and something we give.

Mentors are all around us; they are everywhere we look. Anywhere there is a sharing of knowledge or a teaching of experience, there is a mentor. Anywhere there is an individual with life lessons to impart to an audience— more often than not, just an audience of one— there is a mentor.

I think if you truly understand the meaning of mentoring, you understand it is as important as parenting; in fact, it is just like parenting. As my father often said, “There is nothing you know that you haven’t learned from someone else.” Everything in the world has been passed down. Every piece of knowledge is something that has been shared by someone else. If you understand it as I do, mentoring becomes your true legacy. It is the greatest inheritance you can give to others. It is why you get up every day— to teach and be taught.

But what is a mentor, really? What does mentoring involve, and how does it come about? When does a person become a mentor? What can an individual do to find one? And, perhaps most important, how can a person prime himself or herself to be effectively touched by the teachings of such a figure?

I think it’s important to start by simply defining the concept of mentoring. The word comes from the Greek epic poem The Odyssey. Before Odysseus leaves for the Trojan War, he asks his old friend Mentor to look after his family and his home. When Odysseus returns home twenty years later and needs some divine assistance, the goddess Athena comes to his aid in the form of that same wise, trustworthy man, and offers Odysseus advice and counsel.

The idea to which this reliable old friend unwittingly lent his name has been passed on to us in a form not much changed from Odysseus’s time. And just as Odysseus did, we often find our mentors among those close to us. In fact, once we start looking, we very often find mentors all around us.

There are a number of different kinds of mentors we can seek out— in our personal and professional lives, in our work as leaders, in our religious progress, and elsewhere. A personal mentor is an individual whose principles and values have dictated his or her decisions and actions as that person went about his or her life. These mentors can often teach us the most about effective living— about humility, contentment, interactions with family and friends, and how to keep our priorities straight in a world that often threatens to invert them. A personal mentor may encourage us as well as correct us when we find our focus shifting from the things that truly matter in living a life worthy of respect.

There is also the professional mentor, a person whose success in his or her career can be a source of practical wisdom and inspiration. This success might be measured in material gain or far- reaching influence, or in lives touched and relationships fostered. These mentors can offer a model for good business, ethical practices, and effective work habits, and they often provide the motivation we need to seize what ever opportunities come our way.

Leadership mentors are often authority figures who use their power to sculpt the lives with which they come into contact. They show us strength in their own convictions; they exhibit sound judgment in their decision making and deliberateness in their actions. Their lessons can be difficult to swallow, especially when they come in the form of discipline or perceived toughness, but their lessons stay with us for years and sometimes even for a lifetime.

A mentor also can be a figure of faith— anyone from a religious figure to a church leader to a quiet spirit simply devoted to God. Faith mentors can guide us to a deeper understanding, to a broader sense of purpose, or to a place of spiritual peace. They often inspire us to look beyond ourselves and develop wise discernment in our decision making and our reactions to what ever life throws at us.

There are other kinds of mentors, too, but the main thing to remember is that there is one essential difference between a hero and a mentor: A hero is someone you idolize, while a mentor is someone you respect. A hero earns our amazement; a mentor earns our confidence. A hero takes our breath away; a mentor is given our trust. Mentors do not seek to create a new person; they simply seek to help a person become a better version of himself. Mentors are, after all, primarily concerned with teaching, and a teacher is there to inspire.

I urge everyone to seek out someone whose life inspires you and speaks to your own goals. It might be someone in your own family or someone you have never met. The important thing is that you open yourself up to be a willing student. You need to allow yourself the luxury of learning. Sometimes that might even involve swallowing a little pride, but there is nothing more valuable than learning from someone who has been there. Advice, after all, is just experience without the pain of having to learn those lessons yourself.

And here’s the kicker: You don’t always have to agree with your mentor. In fact, some of the best learning comes from watching others’ mistakes. What matters is what you do with the lessons those mentors teach you.

There is another part of this equation, though. It’s not enough to set about finding a mentor; it’s every bit as important to concentrate on becoming one yourself. I always viewed myself as a teacher, not a coach. I wasn’t just calling plays and shaping games, I was instructing young men on how to handle the ball, on how to dominate the court with all the speed they could, how to pass to teammates to make sure that the team worked as a unit. As important, I was teaching them how to share the glory, how to win and lose graciously. I sought to teach these boys about more than basketball. I wanted to teach them how to live.

During my career, I had hundreds of athletes on my teams, but I’ve endeavored to have many more students than that. I know that my life has been blessed with incredible opportunities, and as a result, I have a responsibility to reach out to others to share the insights, experiences, heartbreaks, exhilaration— all the lessons I’ve managed to accrue through the nearly one hundred years that God has given me on this planet.

We all share that same responsibility because each of us has gained a different perspective from our individual circumstances. Knowledge is nothing unless it is shared. I know that knowledge for knowledge’s sake is a wonderful ideal, but in reality, it is the transmission of understanding that is the very basis of civilization. It’s what allows human progress to move forward. If we don’t pass on what we’ve gained, we are halting the upward reach of society, and we are denying everything that came before us that enabled us the luxury of learning those lessons we refuse to share. As an old saying goes, “We stand on the shoulders of giants.” It is our responsibility to make our shoulders available for the next generation’s climb.

Back in 1993, Charles Barkley starred in a Nike commercial where he spoke these words, punctuated with shots of him What Is a Mentor? drilling with a ball: “I am not a role model. I am not paid to be a role model. I am paid to wreak havoc on the basketball court. Parents should be role models. Just because I can dunk a basketball does not mean I should raise your kids.”

Barkley is absolutely right on one point: Parents should step up to their responsibilities and take charge of bringing up their children. But the rest of us have a responsibility, too, and that responsibility is to reach out to others to share our own life experiences, successes, and pitfalls. Some parents are perfect mentors, but that shouldn’t stop a person from looking to other people for additional mentoring; some parents refuse to take their job seriously, and then our job as mentors becomes even more important. Do any of us really have a choice as to whether a child looks up to us? Do we have any control over another person’s choice to look to model themselves after our own lives? The fact is that we all possess the ability to mentor, but to fully realize that potential, we need to recognize what gives us that strength and what we have to offer to others.

The English teacher side of me shows a bit when I point out that the word “mentor” is both a verb and a noun. It is simultaneously something you do and something you are. The first definition is one you can control; the second one isn’t. In other words, you can make a conscious decision to sit down with someone and share wisdom, experience, and encouragement. That is mentoring. However, you also can become a mentor whenever someone chooses to learn from you. You may never have met; your lives may never intersect; nevertheless, you can become a source of guidance and inspiration for another person. That’s being a mentor.

There are seven mentors who had an enormous role in shaping my own life. These individuals have inspired me in more ways than I can count. Some are remarkable world figures; others are quiet persons of dignity who never saw their names in the newspaper, let alone a history book. But together, these mentors shaped my life into one that was equipped to shape the lives of others. I look to these figures for guidance, and I owe my various successes to them. Collectively, my mentors challenged me to be better and encouraged me to persevere.

The first mentor on my list is my father, Joshua Wooden. His life was a study in contentment and humility— two qualities that are sadly lacking in today’s society. The second is Earl Warriner, my elementary school principal and earliest basketball coach, a man who insisted on discipline and responsibility with such kind authority that I have never forgotten the lessons he taught.

My high school coach, Glenn Curtis, is next. He showed me that coaching is really just teaching, and this philosophy changed my outlook on everything.

Then there is Piggy Lambert, my coach at Purdue, who stressed the team above the individual. This mind- set taught me about more than the game of basketball; it taught me selflessness and the importance of relationships.

Mother Teresa is one mentor I never met, but value no less because of it. She embodied Piggy Lambert’s emphasis on selflessness in a whole new way, and coupled it with conviction, faith, and per sis tence. She truly lived her life for others and showed consideration to everyone she met, whether she agreed with them or not. Her example has taught me more patience and peace than I ever imagined possible.

Abraham Lincoln is a similar kind of mentor. I obviously never met him, but my personal library contains nearly four dozen books about his life (I have a similar number about Mother Teresa). Lincoln’s cool- headedness in the midst of the country’s greatest internal trial exhibited wisdom, and the gentle way in which he interacted with those around him demonstrated compassion. I can think of no two attributes more essential than these in a good leader.

There is no doubt that Mother Teresa and Abraham Lincoln were extraordinary human beings. But they also should remind us that anyone can look to anyone else and learn a lesson— even if it’s a basketball coach learning from a nun and a statesman!

And finally there is my wife, Nellie. She taught me more about love, trust, forgiveness, and patience than any individual I have ever known. As I watched her raise our children into amazing adults; as I watched her follow my career around the country, always trusting that I would make the best decision for our family; as I listened to her words of comfort and encouragement during the difficult periods; as she met the exciting times with enthusiasm and humility, I was being mentored. I didn’t necessarily recognize it as such, but now that her gentle voice and loving spirit are gone, I understand now that very much of who I am I owe to that incredible woman and tremendous mentor.

I hope that through this book, we can all be challenged, all be taught how to become one of those life- changing teachers. I hope that when we’re done, we can be open both to the mentoring experience and to accepting the responsibility of becoming a mentor.